At Embark Center for Self-Directed Education, one of our methods of conflict resolution is Nonviolent Communication. NVC is a multistep process focusing on observations, feelings, needs, and requests. We approach conflict resolution with curiosity, not blame or judgment, and we work to create space for deep listening, compassion, and choice. Feelings are communications, specifically leading us to reflect on our needs. By listening to what our emotions are trying to tell us, we have an opportunity to make requests to have our needs met by those with whom we are interacting. Using Nonviolent Communication as a guide, we lay a foundation of trust and respect free from blame and shame. By practicing nonviolent communication we are striving to understand and be understood, replace judgment with compassion, and create an environment where all parties can get their needs met. A conversation using nonviolent communication could look as follows:

OBSERVATION

Observations are what we see as the stimulus for our emotions. State them clearly and with neutrality-no judgements or evaluations: “Just the facts, ma’am.”

“You were yelling curse words in the Library this morning.”

STATEMENT OF EMOTIONS

How did you feel when what you observed happened? Like observations, state emotions without judgment or evaluation. Don’t make any assumptions about the intentions-or lack thereof-of the other person.

“I felt frustrated, angry, and scared when you were yelling curses.”

STATEMENT OF NEEDS

This is the part about what our emotions are telling us. In our culture, we do not reflect very much on our needs, and many times we are not even aware of the many kinds and layers of needs (and emotions) we have. It is our needs and values that cause our feelings to arise. Check out the Sociocracy for All NVC Feelings and Needs list  to broaden your vocabulary of feelings and needs. 

“Because I have needs for peace and less stimulation, loud voices and noises startle me and distract me from what I am concentrating on. Curse words sound violent to me, which lead me to feel unsafe, and emotional safety is one of my needs.

REQUEST AND/OR SOLUTION

Make a request or offer a solution that could be helpful in the future. It’s important here to realize that requests are not demands, so if the person from whom you are making the request denies it, remember that they are saying “yes” to their needs. Approach these moments with curiosity and collaboration to see if you can both find a solution to meeting both of your needs.

“Would you be willing to not yell curse words to help meet my needs of peace, less stimulation, and emotional safety?”

FOLLOW-UP

At the end of the conversation, it’s important to check in with each other to make sure you are both on the same page.

“It’s important to me that I’m getting this right. Can you repeat back to me what you heard me say?”

It can be surprising to hear what people tell us they have heard when it is different than what we intended. In those cases, we return to step one and ask people to repeat back to us what they’ve heard for each step individually.

The Nonviolent Communication process may take a little more time than stating a demand with an expectation of obedience, but in the long run it saves more time since it allows for deeper and clearer communication. NVC gives people more insight into the feelings and needs behind our requests and leads to deeper understanding and connection. People are more likely to respond favorably to our requests when they know more about where they are coming from and the impact of their actions on us.

We have been using NVC and restorative practices at Embark Center for years now, and we are always amazed at the solutions, reflections, and ideas Embark members share with us. We are grateful to be able to take the time to be curious and compassionate with each other. There is always more to the story, and there are always fantastic ideas that are just waiting to be shared. The advantages of using these practices instead of punishments and rewards are more compassionate communication and awareness of needs and boundaries of ourselves and others. We recognize that we will always be students of self-directed learning, and we are continuously striving to better ourselves with more training, resources, and practice, not just for our community at Embark Center for Self-Directed Education, but in our hopes to create a world of peace and connection, regardless of age and experience.

Check out Marshall Rosenberg’s excellent book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life and The Center for Nonviolent Communication to learn more.